FIRST OF
ALL AND SECOND OF ALL
By Daniil
Kharms
translated by Ilya Bernstein
FIRST OF
ALL, I was walking down the road and singing a song.
SECOND OF
ALL, along came Ferdinand and said, “Wait up! I’m coming too.” And there were
now two of us walking down the road and singing songs.
THIRD OF
ALL, we saw a man standing in the middle of the road.
This man
was just about the size of a bucket.
Ferdinand
and I walked right up to him.
“Who are
you supposed to be?” we said.
“Me?”
said the small man. “I’m the smallest person in the world!”
“Come
with us, small man!”
The small
man thought it over and said, “Okay!”
And so,
we set out together, Ferdinand, me, and the small man. But the small man could
hardly keep up with me and Ferdinand. He tried running, but it didn’t make any
difference.
So
Ferdinand and I decided to carry him.
Ferdinand
took the small man’s right hand, I took the small man’s left hand. And we
lifted him off the ground.
The small
man hung on, with both feet dangling in the air.
And there
were now three of us walking down the road. Two of us continued singing songs.
and one of us turned out to be something of a whistler.
FOURTH OF
ALL, we saw a man lying on the ground with his eyes closed. This man was the
longest man any of us had ever seen. Ferdinand and I and the small man
approached him with caution.
All at
once, the tall man jumped up on his feet, rubbed his eyes, and scratched his head.
And then
he noticed us.
“Waaaait
a minute!” he said suspiciously. “What’s going on here?”
We spoke
loudly, so the tall man would hear us.
“Come
with us, tall man!”
The tall
man thought it over and said, “Okay!”
And
before we could say another word, we saw him take a giant step forward.
“Hey!”
the small man shouted after him. “You have to wait for us!”
Ferdinand
and I grabbed the small man and ran after the tall man.
“This
isn’t going to work,” we said to the tall man. “We can’t keep up with you. Why
don’t you try taking baby steps.”
The tall
man tried taking baby steps, but it didn’t make any difference.
“Listen,
tall man,” we said at last, “can’t you just put the small man on your shoulder
and carry the two of us under your arms?”
There was
nothing else we could think of.
The tall
man put the small man on his shoulder, tucked me and Ferdinand under his arms,
like a couple of newspapers, and started walking down the road.
“Are you
comfortable?” I said to Ferdinand. “I’m comfortable. How about you?”
“I’m
comfortable too,” I said.
And
Ferdinand and I started singing songs. The small man joined in with his
whistling. And even the tall man couldn’t help humming along.
FIFTH OF
ALL, we saw a donkey standing in the road.
All of us
wanted to ride the donkey. But the donkey couldn’t very well carry all of us.
So we agreed that each of us would give it a try.
The tall
man talked us into letting him go first. He braced himself and swung one of his
legs over the donkey. But the donkey didn’t even reach his knees!
Next, we
tried putting the small man on top of the donkey. But as soon as the donkey
started walking, the small man fell off.
“This is
ridiculous,” said the small man, getting up off the ground. “The tall man
should put me back on his shoulder, and you and Ferdinand should take the
donkey.”
Ferdinand
and I could not have agreed with him more.
The tall
man put the small man on his shoulder, Ferdinand and l climbed on top of the
donkey, and we were once more on our way.
Was the
small man comfortable?
Yes.
Was the
tall man comfortable?
Very.
Was
Ferdinand comfortable?
Perfectly.
Was I
comfortable?
Absolutely.
And the
donkey? Was the donkey comfortable?
Yes, even
the donkey was comfortable. Everyone was comfortable.
SIXTH OF
ALL, we came to the edge of a great big lake.
Lying on
the shore of the lake was...
“A boat!”
shouted Ferdinand. “Well?” he added. “What are we waiting for?”
Ferdinand
and I immediately found good seats for ourselves, but getting the tall man
inside the boat was not so easy. He ended up sitting with his knees pulled up
under his chin.
The small
man made himself at home under one of the seats.
But there
was no room at all left for the donkey.
“If you
want my advice,” said the small man from under his seat, “the donkey should go
in the boat with us, and the tall man should walk across the lake.”
The small
man’s advice satisfied everyone.
The
donkey went in the boat with us, and the tall man walked across the lake,
pulling the boat behind him by a rope.
The
donkey sat tight, afraid to move a muscle. We couldn’t tell what it was
thinking, but it did not look happy.
As for
the rest of us, we had no problem with being in a boat. And the tall man—he
didn’t mind getting a little wet. We crossed the lake with the wind blowing in
our faces, singing songs at the top of our lungs.
SEVENTH
OF ALL, we reached the other side of the lake and got out of the boat.
Waiting
for us on the shore, by the very edge of the water, was a car.
“What is
this thing?” said the tall man.
“Beats
me,” said the small man, scratching his head.
“This,”
said I, “is an automobile.”
It was
Ferdinand’s turn to say something.
“Well?”
said Ferdinand. “What are we waiting for?”
Ferdinand
and I took the front seat, and put the small man on top of the side-view
mirror. That took care of Ferdinand, me, and the small man. But we had no idea
how to get the tall man, the donkey, and the boat inside the car.
We tried
putting the boat in first, and then putting the donkey inside the boat. That almost
worked, except now the tall man had nowhere to sit
We tried
putting the donkey and the tall man in first, but then there was no room for
the boat.
We didn’t
know what to do next.
Just
then, the small man made a suggestion.
“Suppose
the tall man gets inside the car, puts the donkey on his lap, and holds the
boat in his hands?”
The small
man’s suggestion satisfied everyone.
The tall
man squeezed into the back seat, put the donkey on his lap, picked up the boat,
and raised it high in the air.
“Is it
too heavy?” asked the small man.
“Not at
all,” the tall man assured him. “It’s lighter than it looks.”
I stepped
on the gas, and we took off. Everyone was comfortable, except for the small
man, who kept wibble-wobbling on top of the side-view mirror.
Otherwise,
no one had any complaints. We zipped along, singing, humming, and whistling.
EIGHTH OF
ALL, we arrived in a city.
The road
turned into a street. Which was filled with people. All of whom were staring at
us.
“Look at
that big one in the back seat!” they were saying to one another. “He never goes
anywhere without his boat and his donkey! Ha ha ha! And how about that little
one on the side-view mirror—the one wibble-wobbling all over the place? Hee hee
hee!”
We drove
right up to the inn, put the boat on the ground, parked the car in the garage,
tied the donkey to a tree, and called the innkeeper.
The
innkeeper came out and said, “What can I do for you?”
“Would it
be possible to spend a night here?” we asked politely.
“By all
means,” said the innkeeper.
He showed
us to a room with four beds.
Ferdinand
and I got into bed right away, but the tall man and the small man couldn’t
figure out a way to lie down.
The tall
man couldn’t figure out a way to lie down because all the beds were too short for
him.
The small
man couldn’t figure out a way to lie down because all the pillows were too big
for him. What are you supposed to do with a pillow that’s bigger than you are?
But since
everyone was very tired, we all went to sleep somehow. The tall man wound up
sleeping on the floor. And the small man announced that he didn’t need his
pillow, and promptly fell asleep on top of it.
NINTH OF
ALL, we woke up in the morning and decided to keep going.
Right
then the small man said, “You know what? Enough already with that boat and that
car! Why don’t we just walk.”
“No,”
said the tall man, shaking his head. “I won’t make it very far if we walk. It’s
not so easy, for someone like me.”
The small
man laughed.
“For
someone like you?” he said to the tall man. “Give me a break!”
“But it’s
true!” protested the tall man. “If I could only find some kind of horse for
myself.”
“What are
you talking about—‘a horse’?” said Ferdinand. “You don’t need a horse. You need
an elephant!”
“And
you’re not going to find any elephants here,” I added. “This isn’t India.”
Just as
these words came out of my mouth, there was a lot of noise, barking, and
shouting outside. We looked out the window and saw an elephant.
That’s
right, an elephant.
It was
being led down the street by a large, noisy crowd. The barking was coming from
a little dog who was running next to the elephant.
Meanwhile,
the elephant kept on walking down the street, without paying any attention to
anyone.
“Here
comes your elephant now,” said the small man to the tall man.
“And
you,” said the tall man, “can go on top of that little dog. It’s just the right
size for you.”
“Exactly,”
I said. “The tall man will go on top of the elephant, the small man will go on
top of the little dog, and Ferdinand and I will take the donkey.”
TENTH OF
ALL, the tall man, the small man, Ferdinand, and I ran out of the inn.
Ferdinand
and I climbed on top of the donkey.
The tall
man ran off after the elephant.
And the
small man stood in front of the inn, and waited.
When the tall
man caught up with the elephant, he jumped on top of it and turned it around.
The elephant started walking toward the inn.
And do
you know who was running next to the elephant?
Who else
but the little dog!
Barking
more than ever, the little dog was heading straight for the inn, where the
small man was waiting for it.
As soon
as it reached the inn, the small man took a deep breath and jumped on top of
the little dog.
And we
were on our way.
The tall
man on top of the elephant.
Ferdinand
and I on top of the donkey.
And the
small man on top of the little dog.
It was a
sight that no one will forget!
We rode
out of the city, wondering what other adventures were waiting for us down the
road.
_____
(c) copyright, English language translation 2014 by Ilya Bernstein.
lol
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